They want me to teach conflict competence?
When I was asked to design a workshop on conflict competence for a group of leaders, my initial reaction was equal parts dread and irony: “Ugh. They want me to teach this?”
As someone who is naturally conflict-averse, I wasn't exactly the ideal choice for this assignment.
So, it comes as no surprise that I've found plenty of ways to avoid working on it. Anything to keep me from exploring how to do the very thing I loathe doing the most - fight.
Don’t get me wrong, I have been known to pick petty fights with a few select people in my life. Some of my favourites include:
my husband
my in-laws
the random guy at the airport who just cut in line
Arguing about laundry or airport etiquette is not the kind of conflict I run from. My fear tends to kick in when I care the most. These are conversations like:
The polarized conversation with my spouse about whether to have kids.
The conflicted discussion with my sibling about how to care for our ageing parents.
The tense meeting with my team at work about changing the strategy of the business.
What all of these conversations have in common is that the outcome matters. The stakes are high, people care deeply, emotions surface quickly, and there is often no obvious right answer.
Workplace conflict is no different. In fact, it can feel even more complicated because our reputations, relationships, and livelihoods are often wrapped up in the discussion. So, when we get close to a sensitive or contentious issue, it's easy to convince ourselves to defer, delay, or avoid it altogether.
The problem is that avoidance rarely makes conflicts disappear. It just gives them more time to grow. It’s important to recognize that great teams aren't conflict-free. And they aren’t necessarily more comfortable with conflict than other teams.
Great teams choose to stay in uncomfortable conversations when they matter.
And so here are three things I have learned we can do when our instincts are telling us to avoid a heated discussion:
Summarize what is important to them. A big part of being skilled in this area is ensuring everyone involved can honestly say they feel heard. You can try saying: "What I hear is important to you is..." and then play back what you think they value most in the situation. When you use values to demonstrate your understanding, they are much more likely to say "Yes, that is important to me" or "No, that's not quite it" which gives them a chance to clarify and feel heard before you respond.
Say what’s going on for you. Most conflicts aren't resolved through facts and logic alone. Emotions carry valuable information, but only if we can name them instead of acting them out. Before you respond, ask yourself: What am I actually feeling here? Frustrated? Disappointed? Embarrassed? Worried? Expanding your emotional vocabulary beyond "mad," "sad," and "glad" can help you communicate what's really driving your reaction.
Practice when the stakes are low. Conflict competence is a lot like any other skill. The highest-stakes conversations aren't usually the best place to experiment with new approaches for the first time. Instead, look for everyday opportunities to acknowledge tension, invite different perspectives, or address a minor disagreement directly. Then intentionally practice the first two points. Over time, those experiences build the confidence and capability you'll draw on when it matters most.
And a BONUS TIP!
Choosing to stay in a heated discussion doesn’t mean you must come to a resolution in one conversation. Sometimes we need to step away, collect our thoughts, and regulate our emotions before we can proceed. You can acknowledge that a break is needed, agree when you’ll come back to the conversation, and then actually come back to it. Taking a break is good! Storming off or ghosting the conversation is not so good. If you’re like me and have an aversion to conflict, this bonus tip can be a life saver!
Take a moment to reflect: Is there tension at work that you’ve been avoiding? What's one small step you want to take this week to help you face it?
Miranda Donald, Leadership Coach and Facilitator at LeedHR