The Leadership Flaw Hiding in the Word “Why” — And What to Say Instead

Most leaders don’t realize that questions starting with “why” can quietly push people away instead of bringing them closer. Even when well-intentioned, these questions can cause unintended damage.

You’ve probably heard (or asked) them in situations like these:
🔸 Why did you do it that way?
🔸 Why didn’t this get done?
🔸 Why are we behind schedule?

At first glance, “why” seems like a natural way to understand what’s going on. But when people are under pressure or feeling vulnerable, it often feels like blame. It triggers defensiveness and erodes trust. Instead of encouraging reflection or problem-solving, it pushes people to explain or justify themselves instead of moving forward.

So, what’s the fix? A simple language switch that can completely change the conversation.

Try swapping “why” for “what” or “how.”

✅ What led you to that decision?
✅ What got in the way of meeting the deadline?
✅ How can we get back on track together?

This small change shifts the focus from blame to learning and collaboration. It signals that you’re interested in understanding and solving problems together AND NOT assigning fault.

In leadership, the words we choose matter. “Why” might seem like a small thing, but it can silently sabotage trust and team cohesion. Flip it to “what” or “how,” and you create space for growth and real dialogue.

Try it next time you’re tempted to ask “why”. You might be surprised at the difference it makes.